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Aug. 15th, 2006 @ 10:55 pm i am a sheep, listen. BAAAH. see, told ya
i have given in...
i am on myspace now. i don't have a url yet, so i don't know how to tell you to get there, but i have one. :-)
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Giraffe
Jul. 11th, 2006 @ 11:43 pm (no subject)
i had my first terrible homeowner experience today. it rained very heavy here this morning, and when i went home at lunch to let the dog out, i discovered that my house was flooded. this did not put me in a good mood. i paniced. it would have been one thing if the basement was leaking or something, but no. water was pouring out of my bathtub and had flooded the bathroom, hallway, and bedrooms. i went down to the basement to investigate, as if i would have really been able to do anything??? and not even joking - it was raining in my basement from the water upstairs. apparently, the storm drain had gotten backed up because it rained so much so quickly, and instead of the street flooding, somehow it all ended up in my house. so, you know when its raining a lot and you're driving down the street and its kinda sorta flooded with a bunch of water standing on the side of the road by the curb...yeah, all that was in my house. LUCKILY, it didn't damage my newly finnished hardwood floors. I know I'll have to get new baseboards and probablly a new subfloor in the bathroom. and the ceiling in the basement is shot. what a mess. but, everything for the most part is fixed now, and my house has had a nice bath in lysol disinfectant.


the daughter of one of the women i work with was in a terrible car accident a week ago. the car she was in was t-boned on her side by an oncoming car. she has been in st. louis in PICU for a solid week now, in a coma. her condition is very serious, bleeding, swelling, and pressure in her brain, brain damage (but they don't know how much yet), a broken pelvis and arm/leg, she has been having seizures...i cannot imagine the emotional load her family is carrying right now. everyday had its ups and downs for her. she will be showing signs of improvement at one moment, but then set backs shortly after. she was young, just turned 16. there has been a website set up that friends and family can come in and posts notes to her and the family. one on hand, it is so great to see how many people are praying for her, caring for her, and genuinely concerned for her well being. but at the same time, it is so sad to see such a young beautiful life with tons of potential to be someone great be hindered with a situation as serious as this. i don't really know what i'm expecting to say or accomplish by posting this. maybe its that i'm still a bit shocked to see the reality of life and pain and heartache in circumstances such as these. i sincerly hope that she makes it through. i cannot imagine her family and friends having to cope with accepting the fact that the opportunities of life for this child will be cut short. that alone scares me.
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Giraffe
Jun. 23rd, 2006 @ 05:32 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: air - cherry blossom girl
i'm taking salsa dance lessons tomorrow after church. SWEET!
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Giraffe
Jun. 22nd, 2006 @ 10:37 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful
Current Music: the myriad - perfect obligation
well...life is interesting.
things have started to calm down after everything with my grandpa. i'm still sad, and there are so many things now that i don't understand considering death. but i'm hoping that time and experience will give me a better understanding. i have a lot of regret tho, and that's killing me. i regret that i didn't spend more time on the farm after moving back home. i regret that i didn't know him better and didn't talk to him more. i know that regret doesn't get you anywhere, but i took him for granted, and i almost hate myself for that. but, in trying to see the positive in the situation, some of the family has grown much closer. my oldest cousin and i have never really talked before, but we really stuck together over the past few weeks. all of the cousins did, and it was really good to have that.

i spent some time this evening over at a friends house. we're becoming pretty good friends, and i'm really enjoying our friendship. she's quite a bit older than me, so we have two completely different perspectives on life, but at the same time, we understand the situations the other one is in. we had a really good talk tonight, prolly the best i've had since i've moved back to mt. vernon. it gave me a lot of confidence, which is something i don't have much of these days. she gave me confidence to like who i am and not care about what others think of me. granted, its not like my struggle with that is now over, but sometimes its just good to hear someone say that i'm a normal person, and a good-hearted person. if i feel animosity from others, and i know of nothing to cause that animosity, so be it. i know it sounds simple and cheesy, but i worry to much. especially about the opinions others have of me. and its not worth it. i'm a good person, i have a good heart. and i'm tired of letting my anxiety get the better of me.
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Giraffe
Jun. 9th, 2006 @ 11:11 pm directionless thought
Current Mood: scaredscared
Current Music: smashing pumpkins - landslide
my grandfather passed away pretty unexpectedly yesterday evening. i'm at a loss. i don't know what to say, i don't know what to do, i don't know what to feel. but what disturbs me the most is, i don't know what to think.
he was a great man, very strong and very talented. he has been a farmer for longer than i'm sure i am aware of. in going through his things today, i came across several plaques and letters distinguishing him an 'honorable and master farmer'. i was never aware of those. he was a sailor in the navy and fought in WWII. he married a wonderful woman almost 60 years ago and had three loving children and four 'blood' grandchildren, and one great-grand child. 26 years ago, he had a massive massive heart attack, and from what i understand, it was amazing that he survived. he was told then to retire from farming, which never happened. he was working in the fields yesterday before he passed. so if anything, i should consider myself lucky to have even known him at all.
but all that being said...all that i can think of right now are these things. his past, his accomplishments, the farm he has built, his life. but aside from the farm, none of the others exist anymore, and i feel as if i shouldn't be thinking about things that don't exist anymore. none of it makes sense to me. he is the first close relative that has ever died in my life. and while to a degree, maybe, it should have been expected. but i didn't expect it, and i don't think i've accepted it yet either. i don't know what to think of my emotion. i don't feel justified in being sad, because I am lucky that he lived to be a part of my life. i don't feel justified in being mad, because 'it was his time' - or so i am told. i don't have any feelings of mourning - or maybe i'm just not accepting them if they are there.
i just know that my heart hurts, and my eyes are heavy with tears...but in all my thoughts, i can't figure out why.
someone please help me. what am i supposed to be doing right now? what should i be feeling right now? what should i be thinking of right now? i don't know.
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Giraffe
May. 9th, 2006 @ 10:02 pm three cheers for being a homeowner!
OK...so, let me make one thing clear. NEVER AGAIN! If I EVER buy a differnt home other than the one I just bought there are 2 stipulations either of which must accompany the new purchase. 1 - the new home will be built. 2 - I will buy an existing dwelling and hire someone to 'fix it up' for me. This renovation stuff stinks!!! Its been 2 1/2 weeks, I'm exhausted, and its still not complete. On the positive side, progress is being made, the end is in sight, it looks completely different, and if i may, it looks GREAT! I love it SO much, but had NO IDEA how much work really would be involved. A HUGE thank you to my parents and my 2 great great friends that have been helping - I seriously wouldn't have gotten anything done if it weren't for them.
I'm almost done with all the painting, which means moving in is very very close. I'm planning right now on this weekend. In any case, I am bound and determined to sleep there Saturday night. Even if I have to push my bed down down the street - Molly and I WILL be residing there in some fashion beginning Saturday night. (note - pushing my bed down the street is a literal statment, being that the new house is a block away from the rental).
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Giraffe
Apr. 30th, 2006 @ 10:02 pm worst phone call ever
so, my granmda called tonight looking for my mom. my aunt passed away today, and my grandma was needing to talk with my mom to tell her the news but my parents weren't at home and weren't answering their cell phones. i knew my parents were at small group, but i didn't know who's house they were at or the phone numbers. my phone book is packed away with my stuff to move to the new house, so i had to go in search of a phone book. NO ONE was around and/or answering their phones when i called tring to find a flibbin' phone number, so i finally ended up randomly at a pseudo friend's house who did in fact have a blessed phone book. I then started calling all of their small group memebers trying to find the right residence. i didn't know if it would be better to interrupt their small group, or to just wait until my parents got back home, but in the end decided it wouldn't be the best idea just to leave a message on the answering machine that my mom's aunt had died. so, i finally found the right phone number and called and told my mom. it was so sad telling my mom and then hearing her get instantly upset. i don't ever want to do that again.
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Giraffe
Apr. 17th, 2006 @ 11:12 pm (no subject)
ok.
so, i just saw on itickets.com that cool hand luke is going to be in mt. vernon this sat.
is this even remotely for real???
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Giraffe
Apr. 17th, 2006 @ 10:27 pm (no subject)
So, I had the coolest phone call ever yesterday. Three of my most favorite Murray friends called me from Louisville - Clint, Jennifer, and Colleen. It was GREAT! But of course, I must say, it sucked a little bit b/c they were all hanging out together and I'm like millions of miles away. Ok, so maybe not millions, but really far away. But I did promise them that I would come visit soon, so hopefully the next time it'll be the four of us hanging out together.
besides the fact that I'm glad i got to talk to them, it really was a good conversation. it was good to see and hear that i'm not alone in how i feel on somethings, despite how much i feel that way, and how people here just don't understand. hahaha...that would have been hilarious if i was talking about parents...'parents just don't understand'....get it...um yeah, ok.
So anyways...moving right along...
Thursday is the big day. Thursday is the day that I willingly put myself into debt for the rest of my life. or at least until the bank wins the lottery and I can pay everything off. i'm buying the house!!!!!!!


"...because I'll never hold a picture of the whole horizon in my view. because i'll never rip the night into two. it makes me wonder who am i and great are you....and sacrifice and paradise are in the plans that you made."
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Giraffe
Mar. 26th, 2006 @ 08:47 pm (no subject)
today was a good day. my idiot level topped out at about an 8 out of 10, which for me in the past few weeks is pretty good. i wish that SOMEONE could understand why I'm acting the way I do. Instead, i feel like I've become this annoying rock in everyone's shoe. alas, tomorrow is a new day, and I am confident that every day is better than the last.
tomorrow starts a new work week (not that the last one every really ended), and with that comes new things to focus on and work diligently towards. this makes me happy.
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Giraffe